Three Years.

Today is 3 years since I was raped. Three years since the POLICE did NOTHING.  I still have days where I believe it was my fault. I said no but I didn't fight. I let it happen. I walked into his house.  I still see him in my head, especially when sex is involved. More often than not people do not understand why this has affected me so much. There was technically no violence.

I said NO.


I want to curl up in a ball today and hide from the world. I don't want to leave the house, I just want to sleep the day away.

Atleast one good thing came of this. Even though I got crazy, lost myself, and slept with too many people. I got my beautiful healthy baby. If none of this had happened I have no doubt she would not be here.

So for that I am thankful.

Sick today :(

I feel like poop today :(. The landlord is coming by with an appraiser today, hopefully we can get the house cleaned in time :D.

I need ideas for things to eat when sick, because usually I eat all day when I'm sick cause it confuses my body, into thinking that I am not sick. I feel that way anyway.


I guess I'll start with some broth. :( GAH!

Bad week :(

I hate this week with mad passion. :(
I feel the same way today as I did yesterday. If I can get through this week without gaining five pounds that will be a miracle.
Oh!
Z, your right it wasn't a binge but it felt like it could have been the start. I've felt like going on a binge since yesterday afternoon, but I keep stopping myself. Which is progress in itself. :)

I said when I started this I wanted to be healthy both mentally and physically, and Friday I have a appointment to work more on the mental aspect. Hopefully this helps more and I'm able to succeed in what I want to do :)

I'll probably post more at the end of the day :)

Binging disaster :(

Ok, so maybe it isn't so much a disaster as a step back. I was doing so well. :(.
It's my fault I started the day badly. My mom had to get her wisdom tooth pulled, and I was expecting to go home and eat breakfast while she was in with the doctor. Didn't happen, they made me stay until she was done. Then we just stopped by Mcdonalds, and even though I got just a chicken sandwich with no sauce. . . it was still crispy. Which wouldn't have been bad, but then I had a york peppermint patty, which even that isn't bad....Until you add an expresso truffle on top of that.

:(
My binge wasn't horrid though. I had a half a peice of baked chicken, probably no more than 2 ounces, with some ranch, and 4 of those whoknu cookies.


So looking forward to tomorrow. Early appointments, and then counseling on Friday. Lets ROCK the rest of this week.


We'll see if I can come up with some constraint tonight with dinner.
I have noticed that righting in here makes me feel better and not wanna binge so we will see. what happens.

Official check-in a day late!!!

I don't have much to say other than I'm supposed to be cleaning the kitchen. I feel like this is a major accomplishment and I know it won't continue to be this easy. I swear I am 100% eating right. Oh and I will add pictures later


WOOOT!


Stats
Age-22
Height-5'5"
Starting Weight-270lbsCurrent Weight-246

Measurements(to be done once a month)NEXT- 11-20-2011
Waist- 44.5inches from 48 inches
Hips-50 inches  from 51 inches
Thigh-27 inches  from 30 inches
Upper Arm-15inches from 17 inches
Neck-16 inches  from 16 inches
Calf-17 inches from 18 inches
Bust-50 inches from  51 inches
Under bust-41 inches from 44 inches
NEWGoals
Weight in at 250- Complete!
Weight in at 240- In Progress
Weigh in at 232- Not Complete
Weigh in at 220- Not Complete
Weigh in at 180- Not Complete
Weigh in at 160- Not Complete
Weigh in at 140- Not Complete
Be Happy With my Body - Not Complete

&&& Pictures

Everytime I get happy.

Stupid chocolate.

Put me over 2000 today. I felt a sugar rush and needed satisfaction. I don't count it as a binge though because it wasn't a binge type experience. I just needed some sugar.

Anyways...I feel ok about today regardless. Tomorrow will be better, and I'm sure me and Lecie will be able to get some kindof walk in :)

Goodnight :)

Hell Yes!

First goal accomplished! I made it under 250! It is only 248, but hey its a start, and I haven't binged once since I started.  I'm estatic :)

Anyways I've got to run we are making muffins and I have allowed one today so WOOT!


Bye :)

tired

Really don't feel well tonight, probably has something to do with the fact that I'm exhausted. So I have a check in in a few days, and I'm getting scared. I'm gonna feel really defeated if nothing has changed. . . or worse if I've gained. I know that this is a new beginning and I know I've begun a lot of things and not finished them. But I really am thinking this might work. Maybe if I'm not so asinine about this eating thing it will actually work. I just need to relearn I guess. I don't know if anyone actually reads this. I would like to think someone does. I would like to think that....but I doubt it honestly. Which doesn't exactly bother me, because the point of it, was just have to have thoughts written down, and for some reason keeping them completely to myself didn't feel right.

Ok, so now that I feel like I've got a schedule down. I wanna tell you what I've been doing. I'm trying to eat somewhere between 1200-1400 calories a day.

I eat a big breakfast a smaller lunch and a smaller dinner.  I haven't exactly given anything up. Well soda pop I have. I ONLY drink water.  I haven't started exercising yet, but hopefully that will come into play soon.

I really am half asleep so I'll share more later.

Goodnight

Peace.

I had a very rough night last night. I had a sense of dread that I haven't felt in years. I fear that things are about to change, that my life is about to get a whole lot more hectic. I'm afraid that he is going to find me. I'm afraid for everything. Which some may say is normal. But my normalcy isn't being afraid of a particular person. I guess being afraid of particular people. I don't like fear. I like adrenaline, like the kind you get from a haunted house whenever you've never been, and you know someone is going to scare you but you aren't quite sure who, the thrill you get from riding an amusement park ride, those are the kind of things you should be afraid of...or atleast nervous for. You should not fear people.

I've done this for too long. Been afraid. I have no idea how to calm my fears. My paranoia. I know that one day, I'll find out he died, and things will be better in that aspect, but there'll always be someone that I'm terrified is going to come and find me.

I really want peace, to be able to live my life happily. I want things to be better. Thats why I'm trying to hard to actually write in here, and make some kind of sense. I really want peace. I want it bad.

I've got to go now because it seems like Lecie is awake. So goodnight sweet dreams and hopefully tonight is a less dread filled night, and I get some sleep.

Uninterested

I really, really want to be healthy. I just have no interest in actually physically getting off my butt and walking, or anything. I know that exercise is required to lose weight. I just can't seem to get interested.  I love the way it makes me feel, and that I get to spend time with Lecie. I just can't get myself to make that first step. It is hard but I have to do it. 

On the subject of eating. I think I did pretty good today. I stayed under two thousand, and I could've done better, but I'm still having some issues on not having seconds. I've tried to work it where I have 400-600 calories  for breakfast and then spread out the rest between lunch and dinner, and for the most part its been working. I haven't felt any strong binges in a few days. It feels amazing to be able to eat and not flip out about it, or try to stay under 900. I hate starving and it doesn't work anyway. I'm trying to do this the right way and not be unhealthy. We will see if I make progress or not. I love food, and I don't want to fight it anymore.

The End :)

Long way to Happy

I feel like I'm finally getting better, like things are getting better, like my health is improving, like I can stand being alive in October. I HATE October, the only good thing is Halloween and even that has been almost ruined for me. I need to realize certain things change people, and what happened changed me. Probably for the rest of my life. I'll have have certain inabitions, certain fears, and certain things that just make me different and scared for a long time.  I really love my life though and I wouldn't change it. I've got my daughter, I've got my family, and all of my friends who love me for who I am. People who believe in me no matter how many times I have failed or how many times I give up. They understand me and they are here for me. I'm really bad at this blog thing but I hope its getting better. Maybe I'll earn myself some more followers. :)


Anyways have a good day and I'll talk to you guys later.






"It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah"
By P!NK

Single again

So for the time being I shall remain single. I want to focus on Lecie and myself, get my head back in the right space, and just do the right thing for me and Lecie for once. School is coming up, setting Lecie up in dance classes, and getting my eating under control again. I want to be in the right place for a relationship, and right now isn't that time.... The time will come one day, but right now isn't the right time for me.

Hopefully things stay sane for a while. I've got lots of good friends & family :)


Things weren't going the way I felt they should be going in my life, I was too focused on getting what I wanted before I needed it. I wanted marriage kids and everything and the only way I could do that is if I gave up everything else. Including school. I need school, I need to be successful. So heres to eating better, and not starving myself because I think that is why I keep binging. 




YAY!